looking back

I'm always a sucker for 'what-if' scenarios. They run through my head all the time. I've spent years wondering what I could have done, knowing what I do now about the impact of my old choices.

Well, now, I find myself there again. I'd love to go back to those days April 23 and 25, 2010.

That day was the beginning of quite possibly the most emotionally taxing three months of my life. Those months did me a lot of good in the end. I'm glad I'm past them, and I'm glad for the lesson I learned.

But I wonder what could have happened if I had had just a bit better control. If I had said the right words. If, if, if.

Of course there's the constant possibility that it wouldn't have made a difference. But that's not as nearly as fun to ponder.

(In other news, TWO UPDATES IN TWO DAYS WHOA)

college. yeah.

Yes, I know I have another blog now. I'm still reserving this for my more artistic/philosophical/angsty posts. Because it seems one can always find a reason for angst. Or at least I can.

I hate uncertainty. Always have. I don't like things I can't predict. I hate thinking about the future--there's so much of it that I can't expect.

I know one thing for sure: I will not be content to spend 40 years working at a job I hate because the money's good. I want to find a job I love. I want to wake up morning not considering work an irritating chore to cross off the list, but something I love doing. There are a lot of things I love to do, and I want to spend my life doing one of those things.

The problem is, there are too many options. There isn't one defining thing that I love. I love to write. I love music. I love politics. The first two facts led me to pursue journalism, hoping to get a job writing for a music or even video game magazine. So I went to a school with a top-flight journalism program. Maryland has one of the best journalism schools in the world. But...it's all hard news here. I'm not sure how much I want to do that for a living. I have an internship with LiveMusicGuide.com where I write an album review and music news article per week. My employer thinks very highly of me. It's not a bad gig, really. But do I really want to be doing this all my life? (It might have something to do with the fact that I haven't reviewed any really great albums. But who knows? More uncertainty!) And do I have the strength to put up with all this hard news crap in the meantime?

So I've tossed around the ideas of changing majors (or adding one). Psychology and English keep coming up. Psych because I want to eradicate eating disorders, English because I love writing and reading and talking about books far too much. But it's crazy hard to get a job in English unless you're teaching, and I don't teach. And Psych...who knows if I'll like it?

That's the main question, isn't it? "Who knows if I'll like [any given career field]?" Right now, my plan is to keep the journalism major through my first semester of sophomore year. By that point, I'll have taken the notoriously brutal Journalism 201, in which journalism majors do work in quite literally every aspect of every field of journalism--print, broadcast, you name it. I feel like that class will show me whether I'm really cut out for this or not.

I was at a journalism career fair on Monday. An NPR worker named Corey Dade had a very inspiring speech. He said at one point, roughly, that if you're not REALLY into journalism, it's stupid to waste your time in the field. Well, I don't know how into it I am. But really, do I want to waste three semesters of college if I take JOUR201 and find out that I hate it?

Also, why do journalism majors get so much hate? No, it's not a math and science major. No, I'm not burdened by mounds of homework that has no practical relevance. But at least some acknowledgment that my major isn't a waste of time would be appreciated. I'm still not even sure what I'm doing in college. Forgive me for experimenting a bit.

Forgive me also for my ramblings...I'm sure this sounds incredibly petty and stupid. But if nothing else, I'm getting this off my chest.

why do I have to watch all this unfold again and again? why am I so helpless? why can't I do anything about it? why do I have to spend my life trying not to scream at the ridiculous injustice of it all? Crawl back to the hell that spawned you, ED, you demon.