oh, i'm so not normal.

Three thoughts for the price of one here.

--I don't know why Christmas seems a little less impressive this year. I'm becoming more aware that it has absolutely nothing to do with the reason for the creation of the holiday, and yet I'm finding myself lacking the faith and passion for God I so desperately want. Maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe I've been distracted by other things (scratch that--I DEFINITELY have been distracted). Maybe I'm just getting angsty again, but usually my angst has SOME root cause. Then again, usually when I start thinking like this, Christmas Day comes and turns everything around. Here's to hoping.

(Pardon me, dear readers, as I use this space to say all the things I wish I could say in person, but hidden under the cover of the Internet's special brand of psuedo-anonymity.)

--I want to help you SO BADLY. And you don't even know it. And I have no idea how I could be of any help to you. Maybe I can't help you at all; maybe God can. Maybe that idea that you've rejected isn't so bad after all...maybe I just did a horrible job of portraying this.

And I know you're cold, but come home.
It's a shame how short we all have come.
And I know you're cold but come home.
Please don't face the headlights of the oncoming cars along.

--The Classic Crime, "Headlights" (Oh, how they condense my thoughts into words for me...)

--On a VERY unrelated note...

A certain AP Euro discussion on nihilism and Nietzsche ended with the innocent question of, "So, what do you guys think of Nietzsche?" It seemed pretty relaxed at first--his views weren't too popular in our class. Yet somehow this spiraled into our teacher asking one of the best questions I've ever heard in my life. I encourage all of you to try to answer it yourselves, on the Internet or just to yourselves or however you choose.

"What is your essence?"

My answer in Euro sucked. I stated one of my missions...but my essence? I know my answer was insufficient. So I'll try it here. I have no clue, but this blog is oddly therapeutic for me. As if any of you read it anyway.

I am a critic--not just in music, but in life. I weigh everything with its pros and cons (or at least I try). There are few things I can say I love and find without flaw, and there are few things I absolutely hate without exception. I can find the flaws in a good thing and the silver lining in each cloud. This is good and bad--I find the humor in even the darkest situation (hence my unending sarcasm), but I feel like sometimes it keeps me from experiencing any true joy. And that scares me a bit...a lot. Oddly enough, part of me keeps holding out for some overwhelming thing that I can't find any flaws with, thinking it's somehow inevitable...but the waiting process is not fun.

I like to think I'm rational. The objective viewpoint for me is usually preferred. And if I can't be objective in a particular matter, I like to have as much logic behind my stance. Now, as a music critic, this is often nigh-impossible. But in matters of theology and philosophy and politics, I like to think it works. I think there is a God, and he is the God of the Bible--the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and the Son died for the sins of man. I also think he is a logical God, and that if one dives deep enough into science, one will find God at the bottom. I desperately want to marry God and logic in a way that doesn't diminish the power of either, and I think it's possible.

I cannot stand watching people be consumed by irrational problems (as I've hinted at before). Why are we humans so prone to let love ruin us? Why do we let envy consume us? Why do we destroy ourselves in the name of reaching ridiculous standards or those that we plant for ourselves? It baffles me. I'm prone to them as well, but my hatred for these plagues hasn't diminished yet. I desperately want to help those who suffer from them, but I feel painfully unaware of the cure.

And that's all I feel like revealing/coming up with for now.

On a lighter note, merry Christmas and happy holidays to all. Don't let my angst and strange tendencies get you down.

can you tell i've been listening to rise against?

It's been a while.

I should be studying for Euro, but I'm not. I had two ideas for blog posts a while ago, but I can't remember the second anymore.

--Marx said religion was the opiate of the masses. He said religion was invented by the rich to distract the poor and make them work harder in hopes of rewards in the afterlife. I think Marx is wrong for two reasons. One, I don't think ALL religion was invented with exploitation in mind (though certainly there are some, somewhere in the world)--Christianity, I think, is an exception to the rule. (I'll elaborate if you ask me to.) But what I really want to say is that Marx forgot the true opiate--war.

Look at European history. If your 19th-century country had class conflicts and domestic issues (i.e, Germany), you go to war, kick foreign butt, everyone's rallying around your flag and singing your national anthem, and everything's right with the world. It doesn't even have to be a war you started. Look at how much everyone loved American after 9/11. Yes, it was a tragic day, and in a sense, the unity it brought was a great thing. But then there are those united by their hatred of the mysterious 'enemy'--we are human; we want revenge. So what do we do? Persuade those over the age of 18 that by pumping bullets into foreign hearts, they will advance the glory of the nation. And what do even attempt to gain from war? More land, more resources...things that will eventually be lost. And what do we give up? The lives of those who could have done so much. The lives of spouses and children and brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers. For what? Really, nothing. Destroying the 'infidel'--as if killing a few will solve anything. Spreading democracy--because it's so perfect and everything. Ending oppression--because we're not going to support whatever candidate sucks up to us the most.

I hate war. I have no right to say this. I'm not a soldier. But I hate the very concept of war. Don't get me wrong--soldiers are the most heroic individuals to exist. They make a living by throwing themselves in harm's way for people like us--people like me, who think their job shouldn't exist. I just think...they shouldn't have to. War shouldn't have to exist. It does nothing. I know it can't be erased; we're too far gone for that. As long as separate nations exist, there will be war...

But why, exactly, do we have to be nationalistic? Why must there be separate nations? Yes, there are language and cultural barriers. Yes, I'm being completely and utterly idealistic. But when I think about it, the concept of nationalism, the idea of 'my country wrong or right,' the idea of pledging your allegiance five times a week...why does a country NEED my allegiance? Why just the USA? Why not the whole human race? Why serve just my country when I can serve the world (and, as a Christian, God)?

Why should I love only MY country?

America, my primary allegiance does not lie with you. I'll keep saying the pledge every school day between 10:40 and 11:02. But know that I refuse to limit myself to pledging allegiance to you alone.

(Apologies for the unexpected semi-Montaigne-style essay this turned out to be.)

God, if you can hear me out alright...

(This post will be more personal. Sorry.)

I'm not immune to all the problems I try to solve. Never assume otherwise, or that I think otherwise.

Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those who learn from history...well, history never leaves you. I'm rather furious at my own inability to learn from my own mistakes, but is this out of my control?

May God grant me clarity.

Allow me to digress.

--Obama, more troops? What are you thinking? We cannot possibly win this war. We have to get out. This is not helping.

--The doctors say I've pretty much fully recovered from my wisdom teeth being removed, and I can play my sax again. Good thing, as I have district auditions in a week...yet I really don't care. I feel like I've wasted tons of my parents' money and time with me playing sax--I'm not going to major in it or play it professionally...I don't think so, anyway. I feel even worse telling my private teacher that I'm done taking lessons. He's made me a better player in every possible way. I honestly think that if I wanted to, I COULD be a music major. But I don't think it's my call...so seven years of lessons with three teachers = wasted.

--The instrumental remix of "Hello Seattle" on Owl City's album Ocean Eyes might be the best song I've heard all year (save maybe mewithoutYou's "The King Beetle on a Coconut Estate"). I might actually compile an Album of the Year list, except I only have four or five albums from this year. This is partly why I want to be a music journalist--to expose myself to all this undoubtedly great music that I've missed.

--I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post was. Oh well. Lyrics. Emery's "Inside Our Skin."

If God is good, then what are we?
There is no plant without a seed
When morning comes, will we believe
All that was lost can be retrieved?
You say you're good, then let me see.
A faith is dead without the deed.
How can we fail if we believe?
Let's be who we were meant to be.

We all feel real inside our skin
With selfish hearts that hide our sin
But no one really knows our deepest secrets
We will separate ourselves from everyone that we know
We can't allow a single doubt or weakness to show
And just one more day without the shame
And I can move on...

We say, we're so misunderstood,
(We will separate ourselves from everyone that we know)
but I know we don't do the things we should
(We can't allow a single doubt or weakness to show)
So long to what I thought I was
(And just one more day without the shame and I can move on)
I'll be happier, happier when I've given up.

Wisdom light my way into the dark
Your words, the melody that carries me
We can't make a change 'til we know who we are
What burns? The fire refining me
Wisdom light my way into the dark
The melody that carries me.