oh, i'm so not normal.

Three thoughts for the price of one here.

--I don't know why Christmas seems a little less impressive this year. I'm becoming more aware that it has absolutely nothing to do with the reason for the creation of the holiday, and yet I'm finding myself lacking the faith and passion for God I so desperately want. Maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe I've been distracted by other things (scratch that--I DEFINITELY have been distracted). Maybe I'm just getting angsty again, but usually my angst has SOME root cause. Then again, usually when I start thinking like this, Christmas Day comes and turns everything around. Here's to hoping.

(Pardon me, dear readers, as I use this space to say all the things I wish I could say in person, but hidden under the cover of the Internet's special brand of psuedo-anonymity.)

--I want to help you SO BADLY. And you don't even know it. And I have no idea how I could be of any help to you. Maybe I can't help you at all; maybe God can. Maybe that idea that you've rejected isn't so bad after all...maybe I just did a horrible job of portraying this.

And I know you're cold, but come home.
It's a shame how short we all have come.
And I know you're cold but come home.
Please don't face the headlights of the oncoming cars along.

--The Classic Crime, "Headlights" (Oh, how they condense my thoughts into words for me...)

--On a VERY unrelated note...

A certain AP Euro discussion on nihilism and Nietzsche ended with the innocent question of, "So, what do you guys think of Nietzsche?" It seemed pretty relaxed at first--his views weren't too popular in our class. Yet somehow this spiraled into our teacher asking one of the best questions I've ever heard in my life. I encourage all of you to try to answer it yourselves, on the Internet or just to yourselves or however you choose.

"What is your essence?"

My answer in Euro sucked. I stated one of my missions...but my essence? I know my answer was insufficient. So I'll try it here. I have no clue, but this blog is oddly therapeutic for me. As if any of you read it anyway.

I am a critic--not just in music, but in life. I weigh everything with its pros and cons (or at least I try). There are few things I can say I love and find without flaw, and there are few things I absolutely hate without exception. I can find the flaws in a good thing and the silver lining in each cloud. This is good and bad--I find the humor in even the darkest situation (hence my unending sarcasm), but I feel like sometimes it keeps me from experiencing any true joy. And that scares me a bit...a lot. Oddly enough, part of me keeps holding out for some overwhelming thing that I can't find any flaws with, thinking it's somehow inevitable...but the waiting process is not fun.

I like to think I'm rational. The objective viewpoint for me is usually preferred. And if I can't be objective in a particular matter, I like to have as much logic behind my stance. Now, as a music critic, this is often nigh-impossible. But in matters of theology and philosophy and politics, I like to think it works. I think there is a God, and he is the God of the Bible--the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and the Son died for the sins of man. I also think he is a logical God, and that if one dives deep enough into science, one will find God at the bottom. I desperately want to marry God and logic in a way that doesn't diminish the power of either, and I think it's possible.

I cannot stand watching people be consumed by irrational problems (as I've hinted at before). Why are we humans so prone to let love ruin us? Why do we let envy consume us? Why do we destroy ourselves in the name of reaching ridiculous standards or those that we plant for ourselves? It baffles me. I'm prone to them as well, but my hatred for these plagues hasn't diminished yet. I desperately want to help those who suffer from them, but I feel painfully unaware of the cure.

And that's all I feel like revealing/coming up with for now.

On a lighter note, merry Christmas and happy holidays to all. Don't let my angst and strange tendencies get you down.

can you tell i've been listening to rise against?

It's been a while.

I should be studying for Euro, but I'm not. I had two ideas for blog posts a while ago, but I can't remember the second anymore.

--Marx said religion was the opiate of the masses. He said religion was invented by the rich to distract the poor and make them work harder in hopes of rewards in the afterlife. I think Marx is wrong for two reasons. One, I don't think ALL religion was invented with exploitation in mind (though certainly there are some, somewhere in the world)--Christianity, I think, is an exception to the rule. (I'll elaborate if you ask me to.) But what I really want to say is that Marx forgot the true opiate--war.

Look at European history. If your 19th-century country had class conflicts and domestic issues (i.e, Germany), you go to war, kick foreign butt, everyone's rallying around your flag and singing your national anthem, and everything's right with the world. It doesn't even have to be a war you started. Look at how much everyone loved American after 9/11. Yes, it was a tragic day, and in a sense, the unity it brought was a great thing. But then there are those united by their hatred of the mysterious 'enemy'--we are human; we want revenge. So what do we do? Persuade those over the age of 18 that by pumping bullets into foreign hearts, they will advance the glory of the nation. And what do even attempt to gain from war? More land, more resources...things that will eventually be lost. And what do we give up? The lives of those who could have done so much. The lives of spouses and children and brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers. For what? Really, nothing. Destroying the 'infidel'--as if killing a few will solve anything. Spreading democracy--because it's so perfect and everything. Ending oppression--because we're not going to support whatever candidate sucks up to us the most.

I hate war. I have no right to say this. I'm not a soldier. But I hate the very concept of war. Don't get me wrong--soldiers are the most heroic individuals to exist. They make a living by throwing themselves in harm's way for people like us--people like me, who think their job shouldn't exist. I just think...they shouldn't have to. War shouldn't have to exist. It does nothing. I know it can't be erased; we're too far gone for that. As long as separate nations exist, there will be war...

But why, exactly, do we have to be nationalistic? Why must there be separate nations? Yes, there are language and cultural barriers. Yes, I'm being completely and utterly idealistic. But when I think about it, the concept of nationalism, the idea of 'my country wrong or right,' the idea of pledging your allegiance five times a week...why does a country NEED my allegiance? Why just the USA? Why not the whole human race? Why serve just my country when I can serve the world (and, as a Christian, God)?

Why should I love only MY country?

America, my primary allegiance does not lie with you. I'll keep saying the pledge every school day between 10:40 and 11:02. But know that I refuse to limit myself to pledging allegiance to you alone.

(Apologies for the unexpected semi-Montaigne-style essay this turned out to be.)

God, if you can hear me out alright...

(This post will be more personal. Sorry.)

I'm not immune to all the problems I try to solve. Never assume otherwise, or that I think otherwise.

Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those who learn from history...well, history never leaves you. I'm rather furious at my own inability to learn from my own mistakes, but is this out of my control?

May God grant me clarity.

Allow me to digress.

--Obama, more troops? What are you thinking? We cannot possibly win this war. We have to get out. This is not helping.

--The doctors say I've pretty much fully recovered from my wisdom teeth being removed, and I can play my sax again. Good thing, as I have district auditions in a week...yet I really don't care. I feel like I've wasted tons of my parents' money and time with me playing sax--I'm not going to major in it or play it professionally...I don't think so, anyway. I feel even worse telling my private teacher that I'm done taking lessons. He's made me a better player in every possible way. I honestly think that if I wanted to, I COULD be a music major. But I don't think it's my call...so seven years of lessons with three teachers = wasted.

--The instrumental remix of "Hello Seattle" on Owl City's album Ocean Eyes might be the best song I've heard all year (save maybe mewithoutYou's "The King Beetle on a Coconut Estate"). I might actually compile an Album of the Year list, except I only have four or five albums from this year. This is partly why I want to be a music journalist--to expose myself to all this undoubtedly great music that I've missed.

--I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post was. Oh well. Lyrics. Emery's "Inside Our Skin."

If God is good, then what are we?
There is no plant without a seed
When morning comes, will we believe
All that was lost can be retrieved?
You say you're good, then let me see.
A faith is dead without the deed.
How can we fail if we believe?
Let's be who we were meant to be.

We all feel real inside our skin
With selfish hearts that hide our sin
But no one really knows our deepest secrets
We will separate ourselves from everyone that we know
We can't allow a single doubt or weakness to show
And just one more day without the shame
And I can move on...

We say, we're so misunderstood,
(We will separate ourselves from everyone that we know)
but I know we don't do the things we should
(We can't allow a single doubt or weakness to show)
So long to what I thought I was
(And just one more day without the shame and I can move on)
I'll be happier, happier when I've given up.

Wisdom light my way into the dark
Your words, the melody that carries me
We can't make a change 'til we know who we are
What burns? The fire refining me
Wisdom light my way into the dark
The melody that carries me.

you will be the death of me.

The life preserver doesn't do any good if you don't grab on. And it especially doesn't help if you insist that you're not drowning in the first place. And it REALLY doesn't help if you criticize the rescue crew's methods of saving your life.

What does it take for those with problems to realize that the hardest thing to accept is more likely than not the right thing and the best thing?

What am I supposed to do when I see someone suffering? I can only hear your problems in silence for so long before I take action. I'm not perfect, but can I at least try?

...

Let's make this less about me.

--Why do teenagers suffer from criminally low-self esteems?

--Why do people with problems refuse to accept help?

--When does a friend of such a person have to intervene?

Lyrics. "The Coldest Heart" by The Classic Crime.

A couple of years and I'm a silhouette
My halo is broken now and I'm all that's left
I hate to disappoint but it's the way things went
I was bound to the things I did
And after what was said
Tie up these loose ends
These voices are calling me out
I've got the solution
You can feed me to something
That is leaving this doubt...

A couple of tears and I'm a broken mess
The sadness has taken me far too deep in regret
So sing me a song about something good
My heart's on the thrashing floor
And I've done every single thing I could
I use to believe in
Some kind of feelin'
That could change everything I thought I knew
But that door is closed and
My heart feels like it's frozen
If you hear me I can feel you

Wanderer (Star-Crossed Promises)

(Normally I like to have a chorus, two verses and a bridge, but I'm not feeling a bridge right now. Honest criticism is welcomed and encouraged; I'm a bit rusty in this field. As usual, these are influenced by some song; specifically Emery's "The Poor and the Prevalent," though I didn't borrow the rhythms exactly, it gives you an image of what sound I have in my head when I write. Rambling over.)

This isn’t how the writers said the story would end.
This isn’t anything like how I wanted it to be.
I know these star-crossed promises are made to be broken
But I didn’t want these severed ties to cut so deep

I’ll make amends, and you’ll make a mess, showing contempt for all my attempts
To reconcile. But you’ll call me your bile: when unseen it’s fine, but the sight’s so vile.
I dare not speak, ‘cause you’ll say naught to me, but I can’t stop the sting when I see
The pain in your countenance, a desperate cry for second chance, and all I want is for you to be free.

Yes, I know how the prophets said the story would end.
And it’s nothing like the way it played out in my dreams.
I know these star-crossed promises are made to be broken,
But I can’t bear to watch you suffer through this silently

I chose this road; it’s the right one I know, but I didn’t think it’d lead so far from your own.
I have no regrets, and we owe not a debt. But how can I keep my mouth shut when you let
Yourself fall apart, and your soul loses heart? I’m no saint but can I still do my part
Before you find too late you’re lost? ‘Cause I’ll blame myself at any cost, ‘cause all I want is for you to be free.

Yes, I know how the prophets said the story would end.
And it’s nothing like the way it played out in my dreams.
I know these star-crossed promises are made to be broken,
But I can’t bear to watch you suffer through this silently.

*fin.

(If you're not in band, this post will be almost entirely meaningless. Sorry.)

I had my doubts going into Saturday, and I think they were justified. This year has been tumultous to say the least. There were internal struggles and circumstances beyond our control that hurt the band. There was frustration and hatred and a lack of brotherhood. But we had a pretty decent show on Friday, and I just had this cliched storybook feeling that it would somehow work out in the end.

Guess which one was right.

I've never felt like that on a football field before. From the first chord of The Golden Egg, I knew this show was going to rule. From the tears of our drum major at our last Saturday practice, I knew this show was going to rule. From the cries of "SOUDERTON! HAWOO! HAWOO! HAWOO!" I knew this show was going to rule. And it did. I place a lot of weight on what judges say. I'm competitive. Screw the numbers. That show ruled and we knew it, every one of us. Seniors, I think that was the best show we've ever done.

So...now what? It's over. (Yeah, yeah, parades. But even the staff knows they're not the same as the field show.) I'm not that sentimental of a guy, but I'll miss this. I put four years of my life into churning out field shows. I've seen people undergo transformations I could never have dreamed (Ryan Hardy, anyone? Heck...you that remember me my freshman year, did you honestly think I'd be able to march?).

But more importantly. Freshmen/sophomores/juniors...don't forget this. How much time did we seniors waste because we gave up on the freshmen? How much dischord was there because the classes didn't get along? I know I was guilty of discrimination, and all it does is tear the band apart. Don't let that happen. We united Saturday, and it showed.

Remember how you felt these past two days. Remember the energy, the focus, the discipline, the brotherhood/sisterhood. Bring it back for 2010-2011 and every season after that. Don't save it for championships. Bring it every day. Straka always says to leave it all on the field. Well, you did on Saturday. And how awesome was it? What if you could have that all the time? What if you all made conscious efforts to make sure there was never a bad practice? I thought for years that the staff was holding us back. I was wrong. The only thing holding us back was US. If you guys strive with everything you have...the possibilities are endless.

I'm being totally hokey, I know. But it's true. This is my challenge to all of you who are returning next year: make your field show even better than Trials of the Chosen One. It's completely possible. Everyone loved La Nouba last year, but there's no question we performed this show better than La Nouba. I know you guys can top this if you strive for it. Let the freshmen-to-be catch your fire. If you guys truly love what you're doing, they'll see it. They'll respond. And the results will be awesome.

Way to go, Big Red.

I'm on a...mission. Not a boat.

So, here I am. Again, I'll be continuously messing with the layout. I like the color gray right now, but as Weber knows from my Xanga days, my tastes in layouts change with the wind. Thank goodness blogspot doesn't demand that I know any HTML.

ANYWAY.

So I've started this blog, and you may wonder why. Partially because it seems like the happenin' thing to do. But also because I need a place to vent. I'm an opinionated person who thinks very critically. It's not exactly a great psychological mix. But it does mean that I see a lot of problems with the world today...problems that don't have easy answers. Mostly they're all within people's heads, and people my age are especially prone to it. Much of these problems fall under the umbrella of 'drama'. Not theater arts--thespians know their place most of the time. I'm talking about the things that really shouldn't bother people. I'm talking about problems with the opposite sex, emotional instability, and all the terrible things that can come out of it. The solution to these problems is often so simple--just calm down, shut up and realize it's not that big a deal (hence, finding solace in silence). But I can't solve all these problems on my own, and it frustrates me to no end. And I've always written to vent--when I was a bit more angsty (aka 8th-early 9th grade), I channeled them into song lyrics, but lately my muse isn't so active there. So this is the latest venting station, because, well, blogging just strikes me as better for this than a Facebook note. (Of course, I'm also rather opinionated about just about everything else. Believe me, politics and current events and possibly religion will come up here.)

But I also want to see what you guys think. I'm fully aware that I don't know everything and that some of my ideas are flawed. I also love debate (as some of you know from experience). So I'm hoping this will be a haven for quality conversations, something like a salon during the Enlightenment. (I just referenced AP Euro on the Internet. Wow.) And of course I'll have my usual rants about new CDs or video games that I think are especially fantastic.

So that's the purpose of this blog (ideally). Occasionally I'll go with the 'so this is what happened to me today' post, but I hope my self-control is good enough that I can avoid that.

And now, what I hope to be a recurring theme: Lyrics of the Day. If you don't know the songs I post, you're missing out. This is "Flight of Kings" by The Classic Crime. Rather appropriate, given the quasi-mission statement I've said.

"Twenty two years have passed by
As I contemplate
I can recall you getting me out of every scrape
What comes first to my mind
Was the change that I so desperately needed to make
Day and night, frozen silent in blinding violent fear
A song for my fight
Comes spilling the words I so desperately needed to hear

Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside

What hurts more than just dying
Is living barely alive
After all it's easier than falling short every time
I felt the pain and set fire
To the grace that I so desperately needed to take
Day and night, frozen silent in blinding violent fear
A song for my fight
Comes spilling the words I so desperately needed to hear

(Chorus)
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to the hurt you feel inside
Do you know this song's for you?
My heart goes out to hurt you feel

I was brought up through the ashes
Like a phoenix birthing wings
And I will fight for my disasters
I will take the flight of kings
And if your life is ever tortured
Or if you know the pain I sing
Then will you sing with me this chorus
And we will cut through people's hearts and free them

(Chorus)"

-Mike

well howdy.

This is just to prove that I'm actually here.

I'll update this when I can. I'm hoping I can make this more than the 'this is how my day went' sort of blog...although I'm certain it will degrade to that status once in a while. I'll generally post lyrics (originals if I come up with any, otherwise it'll just be lyrics from really good songs) and things about which I need to rant. I'm hoping to get some decent discussion going. Wishful thinking? Yeah, probably.

Just for your information:
"Finding solace in silence" references a Project 86 song entitled "Solace." It's fantastic. The lyrics send chills down my spine. You should all buy the album which is also fantastic. Anyway, this particular snippet is rather appropriate for me...more on that with the next post.

The whole "patron saint of lost causes" bit is taken from a song by Anberlin, entitled "*(Fin)" (the same line also appears in "Dismantle.Repair.", but I like *(Fin) better). However everything after the word "causes" in the subtitle is original.

I would have named this blog weshallnotbemoved.blogspot (Flobots reference), or patronsaintoflostcauses... or saltinthesnow (The Classic Crime reference) but apparently both of those were taken. Go, blogspot writers, for having excellent taste in music.

And now, to study for Euro. Peace.