oh, i'm so not normal.

Three thoughts for the price of one here.

--I don't know why Christmas seems a little less impressive this year. I'm becoming more aware that it has absolutely nothing to do with the reason for the creation of the holiday, and yet I'm finding myself lacking the faith and passion for God I so desperately want. Maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe I've been distracted by other things (scratch that--I DEFINITELY have been distracted). Maybe I'm just getting angsty again, but usually my angst has SOME root cause. Then again, usually when I start thinking like this, Christmas Day comes and turns everything around. Here's to hoping.

(Pardon me, dear readers, as I use this space to say all the things I wish I could say in person, but hidden under the cover of the Internet's special brand of psuedo-anonymity.)

--I want to help you SO BADLY. And you don't even know it. And I have no idea how I could be of any help to you. Maybe I can't help you at all; maybe God can. Maybe that idea that you've rejected isn't so bad after all...maybe I just did a horrible job of portraying this.

And I know you're cold, but come home.
It's a shame how short we all have come.
And I know you're cold but come home.
Please don't face the headlights of the oncoming cars along.

--The Classic Crime, "Headlights" (Oh, how they condense my thoughts into words for me...)

--On a VERY unrelated note...

A certain AP Euro discussion on nihilism and Nietzsche ended with the innocent question of, "So, what do you guys think of Nietzsche?" It seemed pretty relaxed at first--his views weren't too popular in our class. Yet somehow this spiraled into our teacher asking one of the best questions I've ever heard in my life. I encourage all of you to try to answer it yourselves, on the Internet or just to yourselves or however you choose.

"What is your essence?"

My answer in Euro sucked. I stated one of my missions...but my essence? I know my answer was insufficient. So I'll try it here. I have no clue, but this blog is oddly therapeutic for me. As if any of you read it anyway.

I am a critic--not just in music, but in life. I weigh everything with its pros and cons (or at least I try). There are few things I can say I love and find without flaw, and there are few things I absolutely hate without exception. I can find the flaws in a good thing and the silver lining in each cloud. This is good and bad--I find the humor in even the darkest situation (hence my unending sarcasm), but I feel like sometimes it keeps me from experiencing any true joy. And that scares me a bit...a lot. Oddly enough, part of me keeps holding out for some overwhelming thing that I can't find any flaws with, thinking it's somehow inevitable...but the waiting process is not fun.

I like to think I'm rational. The objective viewpoint for me is usually preferred. And if I can't be objective in a particular matter, I like to have as much logic behind my stance. Now, as a music critic, this is often nigh-impossible. But in matters of theology and philosophy and politics, I like to think it works. I think there is a God, and he is the God of the Bible--the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and the Son died for the sins of man. I also think he is a logical God, and that if one dives deep enough into science, one will find God at the bottom. I desperately want to marry God and logic in a way that doesn't diminish the power of either, and I think it's possible.

I cannot stand watching people be consumed by irrational problems (as I've hinted at before). Why are we humans so prone to let love ruin us? Why do we let envy consume us? Why do we destroy ourselves in the name of reaching ridiculous standards or those that we plant for ourselves? It baffles me. I'm prone to them as well, but my hatred for these plagues hasn't diminished yet. I desperately want to help those who suffer from them, but I feel painfully unaware of the cure.

And that's all I feel like revealing/coming up with for now.

On a lighter note, merry Christmas and happy holidays to all. Don't let my angst and strange tendencies get you down.